Woman grateful for ‘gift’ of wedding to late husband in hospice

By Cillian Sherlock, Press Association

A woman has said she will do “everything” she can for a hospice after the extraordinary care provided to her partner included their wedding day in his final weeks.

Antoinette Coakley married her husband Damien at Our Lady’s Hospice & Care Services Wicklow in an intimate wedding last year – the first time such a ceremony was held at the centre.

He sadly died the following month but Antoinette said the compassion provided to their family allowed the couple to finally get married and also to “be ourselves” by continuing a relationship defined by fun, laughter and care.

Ms Coakley said that without the services her husband’s wishes to pass away at the hospice instead of home would not have been met, adding: “I wouldn’t have been able to be his wife and we wouldn’t have been able to care for him the way that the hospice cared for us.”

Speaking to the Press Association, she said: “We wouldn’t have had the fun – we still were able to be ourselves, and if we were at home we wouldn’t have been ourselves.

“There would have been extra strain on our family and he would have been in more pain. He got to go the way he wanted to go.”

She is now encouraging others to support a national fundraiser for hospice care in September by donating or taking part in coffee mornings across the country.

Antoinette Carney – as she was known at the time – met Damien Coakley in 2009 when he walked into the Tesco in which she and some of his friends were working, and joined in on some of the joking and “slagging”.

He came back later that day and “plucked up the courage” to ask for her phone number, leading to a date in Bray on the same as the Wimbledon final – with Mr Coakley adamant he did not mind if she watched it before coming to meet him.

It took Roger Federer more than four-and-a-quarter hours to triumph over Andy Roddick – but Mr Coakley stuck around and was still there when she showed up hours late.

“He always slagged me over that – we had a great relationship with fun and banter.”

Outside his joking and sociability, she said Mr Coakley was known for always thinking of others first including her, his daughter Leah from a previous relationship, and later the child he would share with Antoinette – Mia.

She explained that Mia inherited some of her father’s sense of humour: “Their relationship was amazing. From the age she was able to talk, he’d be making sure that she was slagging me and having a laugh – and because we weren’t married and the odd time he would call me by second name, Mia picked up on that – and even till this day, she still calls me Carney.

“It was always the two of them against me that they had the same second name.”

Antoinette would joke back that she would “never want to be a Coakley” and that “the Carneys are better”, adding: “If people didn’t know they’d think ‘that’s a bit weird’ but it’s just the way we were.”.

The jokes continued in their happy family life in Wicklow and holidays abroad, but their lives changed when Damien was devastatingly diagnosed with cancer in 2021.

He went through several treatments including with radium and chemotherapy as he tried to live “as normal as he possibly could” for his daughters.

However, his situation deteriorated with infection between April and the end of 2024 – leading them to be told “they couldn’t do anything else” by February last year, and the couple checking out Our Lady’s Hospice in Wicklow, part of Together for Hospice.

While Antoinette found it difficult and “cried every single day”, Damien decided he “had a good life” and “did not want to be a burden”, adding: “I know I can pass away here.”

He said he made that decision for his family – and she feels she needs to carry on that legacy.

Antoinette said the care and support provided to the whole family was “fantastic” and a “totally different concept to the hospital”, adding that they made them feel “at home”.

“The connection as a family that we all made with every single person up there was amazing. They just did everything for us and they looked after all of us.”

Despite the Coakley-Carney rivalry – and with Mia’s help – Damien had proposed to Antoinette before entering hospice, but his deteriorating health meant conversations around a wedding were put aside.

On becoming aware of their wish to get married, a hospice social worker Gráinne quickly suggested and was able to arrange everything for them to hold a small, intimate wedding at the centre.

In a flurry, rings, a suit and a dress were purchased, a celebrant who incorporated their sense of humour – including Roger Federer jokes – was arranged, and a room at the hospice was set up for the wedding.

“I just wanted Damien to get through the day without pain and not having to be fussed around – but now, like looking back in the photos, it’s just lovely to have, and another gift that was given to us from the hospice.”

Gráinne, who acted as matron of honour, also arranged a wedding message from Jamie Carragher for the Liverpool-mad family.

After their “lovely” day, Damien fought on for several more weeks.

Surrounded by loved ones and after playing Kodaline’s All I Want, Damien died aged 51 shortly after midnight into June 15 – Father’s Day.

“I have every belief that he did hang on; he had such a special bond with the girls, and he was so proud that he was a dad.”

Antoinette is now encouraging others to support “Ireland’s Biggest Coffee Morning for Hospice” on September 24 or, or a date that suits, by hosting or attending an event and donating through hospicecoffeemorning.ie or 0818 995 996.

She will hosting a coffee morning in the Ballybrack Tesco – noting her employer had been very supportive through Damian’s illness.

On supporting the coffee mornings, Antoinette said: “We built relationships with people who really care for other families and put us ahead of their own families.

“We had people by our sides throughout all of this and if it takes someone having a cup of coffee to tell people how they feel, or if they need help in any way, not just the hospice, that people just talk and take care of each other and be there for each other.”