Dedicating the miles to those who share the care
Runners warm up before the Irish Life Dublin Race Series Fingal 10k at Swords in Dublin earlier this month. The men's race was won by Ballina AC's Hugh Armstrong. Picture: Sam Barnes/Sportsfile
With lots of races coming up, with lots of events on the horizon, with marathon season looming, the miles are upped, the speed increased and the heart-rate is gone out the window. I never knew that grief and emotions could affect our heart-rate so much; over the last few weeks it has been up and down. It is normally the same so if I was to depend on it, training would be all over the place. Instead, I run on feel.
What seemed hard in the past seems easy anymore and what seemed challenging a few weeks ago is now flown over. What seemed long distance is now short and what seemed impossible is now possible – and that is the danger. I have done many a thing in the past, some might say daft, some might say madness, but for me sometimes it’s the tougher the better, especially when times are hard; it makes everything seem easier. When my Dad suffered an injury in February, I completed an ultra-marathon. It got me through. In the dark mornings of frost, wind, rain or all three, it helped me to forget things. When my stomach was infected and growling really loudly, I ran the marathon on empty.
Over the next few weeks I’m running lots of miles because time passes, time heals and when one has something to focus on outside of grief and loss, it keeps one going. For me there is a horizon, nothing will be turned down. It may be tough, long and enduring but it will be rewarding and worthwhile because sometimes when you lose someone, you think you must always feel sad, you must always feel a loss, you must always feel down – but I don’t think that’s true. Our loved ones need us to be happy and strong, to live life to its fullest, because they deserve it. Our departed loved ones want us to celebrate their life, they want us to carry on their traditions, skills and most of all their talents and strengths, because they passed them onto us. I sure have full intentions of doing so as best I can.
We all need something to look forward to. In a few weeks, when I am able, I will go somewhere, I will run for all my loved ones, past and present. It will be tough but I will do it because while I’m living, while I’m able and while my body allows, I will keep going, I will endure, I will enjoy.
The next stage of training begins and while it will be tough, long and fast, most importantly it will be therapeutic. Today’s run is 15 miles, on a very sticky morning (humidity being 93%), so it’s going to be tricky. For the past two weeks I have stayed strong for everyone around me but today to get through 15 miles of hills, humidity and a headwind, I’m going to call on my family and friends, in no order of importance, just as I need them. For each mile I am going to think of people who have suffered so much over the recent loss of my Dad. Thinking of each of their wonderful personalities, unique traits, talents and skills will make me smile, make me realise how lucky I am to have them in my life, and to commit that my time is shared with them, frequent phone calls and a kettle always boiling.
though is for me. I am not a selfish person by any means but I need this first mile to get me going, to see where I am at, to have a talk to myself and to focus on me for a change, focus on what I want to do. I realise that my upbringing, my current life and sport has taught me to overcome obstacles and challenges, that time will pass, that things will get easier, that the harder we work the more rewarding it is, that Dad is looking down, leading me, guiding me. The path ahead is unknown but I am not afraid; after overcoming shock, you are no longer afraid.
Today I am good, my legs are tired, but this will loosen them out. My stomach is not screaming (yet), my shoulders are tense and I’m full of thoughts, emotions, ideas and plans but 15 miles will clear this head, it will release the tensions and free my soul. I have nothing to complain about, I am so very thankful for a lot. Now it’s time to get on with the next 14 miles.
, our wonderful Mam. What an amazing person, a tough, strong, beautiful lady, a listener, a carer with such a kind heart, always a warm welcome. Life experience will carry her through the tough days, the loss of a soulmate that will forever be missed, a comfort and kindness from family, neighbours and friends that helps, where sharing stories eases the pain and keeps the wonderful memories alive. A woman of so many talents that would do anything for anyone and now we for her.
, my husband. A man of many talents; a love for work, farming, the land, animals, football, for creating, for building and most of all, his family. An endurance and power that would rival my ultra-marathon efforts, an endless work ethic, a stamina to keep going when the obstacles keep cropping up, and so this powers me up Dooley's Hill. A support for me especially when times are tough, and when the younger ones need a laugh or a game of football.
, our children. Everyone’s child is special, they light up your day. They have got me through some tough days, they not realising it but by embracing their company, their smiles, watching them play sport. Becoming a child with them for an afternoon takes one away from the sometimes difficult, grown-up world to a beautiful place created by them where laughter is loud, where the fields allow us to play free and time is endless. To spend each day with our wonderful children, listening, sharing, learning, is one of life’s simplest pleasures. Each step today I think of their strength and of how they have progressed through such a difficult time; they are stronger than me, they bring me through this mile with ease.
, my brother, nephew and sister-in-law. I see all three together, because they are. I see them at the park, the playground, the home house. I can hear the laughter, I can see the fun and feel the sharing. I wonder what today entails, what tomorrow will bring, what road my nephew will take. It will be all good because he has two good leaders, who will guide him and show him the right paths.
, my aunts and uncle. A mile for each one, because I need a mile to reflect on all each one has done for me. We have such a wonderful extended family for which I will always be thankful. Having close family who are always there, that just show up when needed, who say the right things… I think of their kindness, their support, their endless love, help, work and friendship that I will forever treasure. I will always be there for them back.
, my cousins and in-laws on both sides of our family. Pebbles scattered all around the county and country but a stone’s throw away when needed, every bit as close as my aunts and uncle. Our uncle passed away in Covid-times, he brought us all together, year after year, party after party, we all turned up, we grew up getting to know each other, forming a bond that will forever continue. We are so blessed to have all my dad’s cousins and in-laws nearby. For each of us there is always a door open, always an ear at the end of the phone, always a person to turn to. They remind me of our loved departed; their qualities, looks and similar ways bring me closer to them, this bond gets me through.
, my friends. Friendship in this sometimes lonely world is something I greatly treasure; to have closeness in people to share stories with, to offload, to listen back, to have fun with, to travel with, to call on, to help. I think of my circle, it’s wide, it’s long but it’s forever, because real friendships are face-to-face.
, my running friends. These are the people I share the road, trail, track or mountains with. Throughout these journeys we bring each other along but it’s more that we support, we laugh, we cry, we strengthen, we understand, we advise, we share. A bond exists; you know their ways, their habits, their personalities. We are there for the fun but also the tough times. There is always someone to run with.
, my dad. I need something powerful to bring me home today so my last mile is with thoughts of Dad. One of his many sayings was “you can either do it or you can’t.” I sure am doing this today. I push on, knowing that thinking of him will bring me home. It’s hilly, bumpy and tough just like the last few weeks. I remember the happy times, the laughs, the stories, the craic. Today’s run was tough but not compared to what has happened. The run will end, the day will begin, life will move on, but I will still remember, I will still cry, smile, talk and power through because this is what I grew up knowing.
I turn the corner, the wind’s now at my back, a downhill to finish, I’m nearly home and I feel good. What I thought would be challenging today was uplifting.
My run complete, I look up, smile and am thankful for family, friends, neighbours and all the people who have got me through. I’ve lots coming up so I’ll be drawing on Dad again too.
Tomorrow will be easier, the heart-rate has come down and life will continue with its ups and downs.
