Controlling Christmas emotion with the simple things

I draw the curtains back, it’s pitch-black outside but the sky’s white light is trying to shine through. It’s bit like how I feel this morning, dark, but my brightness trying to shine through. I tiptoe down the stairs as all are sound asleep but there isn’t a wink on me.

It’s St Stephen’s Day and I fill the kettle and sit at the kitchen table eating toast and jam. As I look out the kitchen window, there is a complete silence, a stillness around that even the animals don’t know what’s going on; it’s 12 degrees, it’s mild, abnormally calm and the humidity is 96%. I am not complaining as I am taking part in a local fun run albeit I am in bits after a day of complete overindulgence. I need strong black tea and need to move to cleanse the body and the soul.

I needed everything and anything yesterday to make me feel good; I never realised how much emotions can take over. I consider myself a fairly strong person but Christmas Day was tough with a family member absent, while still wanting Christmas to go well for the younger generation in particular for whom it means so much.

I ran that morning too and for the first time in a long time, it took two miles of running to get into the zone, to smile, to start to feel good. I just couldn’t park those black clouds for those first two miles on Christmas morning but I persevered because I know once I get out and get moving, the adrenaline and sunrise will change the darkness to brightness. My family are suffering and I’m hoping I can lift them.

Christmas can throw up a range of emotions for lots of reasons. For some it’s such a joyous occasion, watching children’s happiness progress through the wonder of it all. For others who don’t have children it can be a very difficult time. For some who have loved ones abroad it can create an emotional loss of loneliness and absenteeism. For some it’s a wonderful time of celebration, engagements, marriages and parties. For some it’s the loss of someone who has passed. I experienced that this Christmas morning.

I expected it to come, I didn’t know when, I didn’t know what it would be like and I don’t think one can ever be prepared, but I expected it. I believe there is learning in every situation and the learning for me was to let it out, to grieve, to cry and then do something to make you feel so good. And that is exactly what I did. A hug from a friend, the most beautiful card from a close cousin, a song to warm your heart, a present from a loved one that they know will make you happy; it really is life’s simplicities that I now appreciate more than ever.

I particularly love running over the road at Christmas time in the dark, the white and coloured Christmas lights brightening my way, the neighbour with a life-size crib, the remembrance tree shining outside the church for all who have deceased in the past year. I shed a tear. There’s no man, beast or animal about this morning, only me, the darkness, the silence, the dullness.

As I turn the main road, the lights begin to switch on in younger children’s houses, I can see the odd small head beside the tree, I imagine, excitedly searching for presents. I hear a sound, I know the sound, the farmer’s jeep, a great friend of my dad. He beeps to say Happy Christmas and drives along beside me. We chat and remember the past and I smile. I pass the lough, three swans swim along, a beautiful sight, the whiteness of the birds gliding along the lough, their reflection shining on the water. Once the light appears the world awakens and so do I; my eyes brighten, my head is free, my body feels good and as I turn the road for home I have a buzz about me. I am now getting excited about the day ahead because I have now regained strength, I have arose from the darkness, I have parked the sadness and I am prepared for any clouds to burst.

I pass the house, the snowmen the only lights and a candle lit on my front window. Traditionally I grew up with mam lighting candles in the windows, the tradition a symbolic sign of welcome to Mary and Joseph as well as other travellers who may be passing. There was always a welcome for visitors in our house not just at Christmas. As I see the candle lighting in my house today, it is lighting the way for me. I have a moment to sneak in and gather myself together for the madness ahead; the excitement of presents, the magic of Christmas, happiness, laughter and smiles. It’s all I need today.

We head for Mass, a time to reflect, a time to breathe, a time to pause. As I look around the church I see lots of sadness and my mind starting to change again, but the music begins, we sing along, a sermon about gratitude and not entitlement and how we should be thankful for everything, from being able to get up, for the rain that falls. It makes me think of all I have to be thankful for. Entitlement meaning a need, a want, being owed something, I think of the younger generation and all they expect. Words like I must, I want, I need. Yes, sometimes I think these things but then you wake up and realise what is important. As I begin to leave the church, people begin to wish each other well, I toughen up and face the light, the crowd, no tears, all smiles.

We gather as a family for dinner, some neighbours, some relatives, some fun and laughter, because good company and good food keep the good times flowing and that’s what ones needs when emotions are raw; laughter makes one feel good. The day flies by, the day is enjoyed as best we can and all are content. I am emotionally tired and never realised how draining emotions can be. Tomorrow is another day, a fun run with friends, a way to clear the mind and body and a little time away.

St Stephen’s Day is traditionally a very busy day in my house. For years in Kilmaine, the married versus singles was the big event, at one stage my father playing against my friends. The years moved by and the married numbers dwindled so a seven-a-side tournament was created instead.

My husband is togging out for the local GAA derby in Shrule, our kids are going to support and I’m off for a turkey trot. I’m in no shape for racing and so am looking forward to a slow trot around the roads I know so well. I meander down the familiar backway I travelled three times a week in my younger days for football.

Arriving at the venue, everyone slowly emerges from the cars, quietly spoken as all are tired. I don’t feel well, not the head but more the stomach, so I begin to warm up to get rid of the bloated feeling. It’s not helping but I keep smiling as I will be okay, this is fun today. I begin to meet familiar faces, some haven’t changed, and the road stays the same, the twists, turns and hills still exist.

There’s no ready, steady, go, it’s just take off and jog, and that’s what I do. I move happily down the road I know so well and today I am smiling as I am running with friends, running through happy times, running away from the over indulgence and into a world of cleansing, of feeling good. I am not able to push today, I am tired, I am sick, and I am worn, but emotionally I feel good and that’s the most important thing. There is nothing we can do about the past but we can look forward to the future.

We run through mucky roads, splashing puddles and slippery dirt but I don’t see it. I hear the music, I wave at the support, I encourage the kids. As we turn for the last hill, I don’t notice, I jog up and take the sharp turn for the finish line. I see all the local faces, smiling, cheering, happiness all around. I want more; happiness is a treasured feeling, I bottle every opportunity to feel this emotion.

Today, if you’re not feeling well, if you can, get up and get out, do whatever makes you feel good. Spoil yourself with whatever makes you feel better, be kind to yourself, you do not need hard times today, you will begin to see the light, surround yourself with loved ones, with positive people, and those black clouds will lift. It takes a lot of work but it’s worth it because tomorrow then will be a better day.