The art of good manners must never go out of fashion

Good manners, like good tailoring, always stay in fashion. Though the precise protocols may shift with the cultural winds, the principles remain steadfast - consideration, respect, and dignity. And yet, over decades of well-intentioned informality, we have neglected propriety with unexamined abandon. Why have we seemingly lost our ability to mind our Ps and Qs?

In bygone days, the rules were more transparent. A child learned which fork to use when, how to address their elders properly and when to invite further familiarity. Breaches could be policed and judged against a common standard that allowed little room for misinterpretation. But in our modern world of shifting mores and casual relationships, it has become necessary to intuit the appropriate protocols based on contextual clues. And therein lies our present difficulty. When strict etiquette dissolves into subtler social nuance, confusion and missteps abound.

The tendency towards informality began as a democratising impulse, breaking down outdated hierarchies and making space for a broader spectrum of voices. An admirable aim, but the unintended consequence has been a suspension of basic courtesies once considered non-negotiable. In our eagerness to put outdated mannerisms to bed, we have tossed standards of conduct out with the bathwater.

The difficulty lies in where to draw the line between stuffy ceremony and outright incivility. Must we have a dinner seating chart, or can guests scrum for their preferred chair? Is a handwritten thank you note obligatory, or will an emoji-filled text message suffice? When does relaxed become simply rude? We are left to muddle through murky waters with neither a chart nor a compass to guide us.

Our shifting cultural paradigms have muddied the waters further. A globalised world brings differing sensibilities into close contact, sometimes resulting in crossed signals. The brusque New Yorker may take umbrage at lingering Midwestern pleasantries. The tactile Mediterranean might offend the more reserved Scandinavian. There is ample opportunity for the unintentional offence without a basis of shared etiquette.

For example, the Japanese practice of bowing holds great significance, with depth and duration conveying respect. Yet the casual American may breeze through with a cursory nod, inadvertently causing grave insult. Likewise, the Chinese emphasis on family hierarchy often perplexes Westerners who use informal, first-name terms for elders.

In India, the casual "thumbs up" gesture is considered rude, while the shoe's sole pointed at another is a grievous insult across much of the Middle East. Russians might perceive smiles between strangers as insincere, whereas Latin Americans would welcome such warmth.

Even within Europe, regional quirks abound. Belgians consider it proper to greet women with three kisses, while for Germans, a handshake suffices. Slurping noodles in Italy shows appreciation, but in Britain, it elicits dismay. Knowing when to toast again or refrain again relies on local customs.

Navigating these intercultural exchanges requires nuanced etiquette attuned to diverse perspectives. Without it, well-meaning overtures can unwittingly bruise national pride and fray diplomatic ties. A misplaced thumbs-up or ill-timed grin says more about ignorance than ill intent, but the impact remains the same.

The intricacies of etiquette have challenged travellers and diplomats since ancient times. The Biblical book of Ruth outlines polite customs meant to ease tensions between the Israelites and Moabites, such as gleaning rules that provided for the poor and vulnerable. Ruth's culturally attuned conduct paved her way as a foreign daughter-in-law.

Greek philosophers like Plato and Aristotle devoted extensive treatises to proper comportment and conduct. In his Laws, Plato discussed appropriate modes of speech, dress, amusement and decorum across various life stages. Aristotle's Nichomachean Ethics examined the central role etiquette plays in moral virtue. Codes of courtly behaviour were also developed in ancient Persia, Egypt, and Mesopotamia to facilitate diplomacy and hierarchy.

Imperial China produced meticulous guides detailing proper rites, ceremonies and protocols befitting each level of the Confucian social order. From bowing depths to banquet seating arrangements, etiquette served as the lifeblood of the bureaucracy. Even the examination system testing applicants for civil service emphasised poetry, rhetoric and ceremonial knowledge as essential governance skills.

While the specifics have changed, these early societies shared the goal of smoothing social intercourse through established norms. We could recover that diligent attention to etiquette's role in moral conduct, social order and international relations. Our fast-paced modern lives leave little room for lingering ceremony, yet the core value of mutual regard remains timeless. While excessive obsequiousness can lead to distorted and unearned deference, the polar opposite can see a degradation that permeates all areas of life, including service areas, the arts and politics.

Balancing contemporary priorities with time-tested principles poses an ongoing challenge. But by studying how past cultures navigated etiquette's nuances, we gain perspective on the present. Cherished courtesies withstand the test of time even as fashions fade. The wisdom of history can guide us as we shape etiquette's new chapter.

We must recognise the role technology has played in unravelling the social fabric. Smartphones and social media seduce us into lazy, abbreviated communication. A text replaces a telephone call, an email supplants a handwritten note, and a 'Like' stands for meaningful encouragement. We hide behind screens, evading the vulnerability of sincere human connection. Lost in the digital wilderness, we have misplaced common courtesy.

The litany of poor form is sadly all too familiar - the lateness explained away by traffic or oversleeping, the RSVP that never materialises, and the distracted glance at a mobile screen during the conversation. While not intended as outright discourtesy, such habitual thoughtlessness speaks to an erosion of conscientiousness, a taking for granted rather than genuine regard.

Some may argue that manners are mere artifice and we are better off doing away with pretence. But etiquette, at its core, is an outward expression of an inward spirit of care. Rules served a purpose when laid down, preserving dignity, smoothing discourse, and conferring respect. Though traditions evolve, this essence must be kept to maintain a civil society.

Standards slip slowly, one small surrender at a time, until 'politeness' becomes quaint and archaic. We would do well to reacquaint ourselves with the lost arts of decorum before we slide down the slippery slope into total informality. For manners maketh man, as the adage goes. And women, too, in case I am accused of neglecting etiquette myself.

We need not return to the days of strict Codes of Conduct enforced with pearl-clutching zeal. But neither should we discard all notions of decorum as oppressively fusty. Like so many things, the answer lies somewhere in the middle - adapting traditions to our times while retaining their core of thoughtfulness, honouring diverse customs, finding common ground, and using technology to connect meaningfully instead of conveniently hiding.

We have nothing to lose in infusing modern life with the classic spirit of respect, dignity and grace that constitutes true courteousness. As our societies evolve, the principles of considerate conduct remain timeless.

We would do well to preserve them before we tumble irretrievably down the slippery slope, finding ourselves strangely devoid of that most precious of human qualities - simple kindness.